No Sex, Please, We’re American Liberals: Weaponised Abstinence, and Just One More Excuse Not to Have Nooky

America, the land of free speech, free refills, and now, free of… well, nooky. Enter the 4B Movement: a sassy, no-men-allowed feminist manifesto straight out of South Korea, with four simple rules: no dating, no sex, no marriage, and no babies. It’s a bold political statement, sure, but you have to wonder—could it also be just one more excuse not to have nooky?

Indeed, the 4B Movement is a curious beast: a righteous feminist protest that comes with the handy side benefit of swerving yet another dreadful coffee date with a guy who says he’s “in crypto.” It’s all in the name of fighting back against America’s patriarchal culture, of course—plus the added benefit of not having to listen to Chad tell you about his fantasy football team. What started as a radical movement in South Korea has been swiftly embraced by young American women as both a political protest and, dare I say, a delightful reprieve from Tinder.

Dry as a Political Desert: The Weaponisation of Abstinence

One 4B supporter put it bluntly, in a video on X: “I am as dry as a desert, baby, and I do not want that to change.” You’ve got to give her credit for turning a lack of romantic action into an achievement, especially as she goes on to clarify, “Not that my content reaches a lot of men because I have an IQ of 130.” It’s practically a work of art—she’s gone from political defiance to outright bragging about her IQ as a reason to avoid the unwashed masses.

The movement’s premise is elegantly simple: until men start showing respect for women’s rights, women are shutting the shop, turning off the lights, and putting up a neon sign that reads, “Closed until further notice.” If men want women, they’ll have to start behaving. It’s abstinence as activism, and if that’s not the ultimate millennial protest, I don’t know what is.

But here’s the kicker: America’s conservatives are practically dancing a jig over the news. The idea of women voluntarily swearing off men for the sake of morality is just the kind of Puritanical fever dream they’ve been pushing for decades. As Red State's Brandon Morse so gleefully put it, "They went so left they started going right, claiming they're going to stop being 'hoes' and won’t put out until men respect them. That’s what we've been saying all along!"

Indeed, the irony is as thick as the fog on a cold Yorkshire moor. America’s most progressive feminists have inadvertently reinvented the purity ring—only this time, they’re calling it “feminist abstinence.” And the right-wing pundits are overjoyed, cheering from the sidelines, as if liberal women have finally come around to good, old-fashioned values. Who would have thought celibacy would become the hottest new trend on the left?

4B: The Only Dating App You’ll Ever Need

For young women, the 4B movement is a tantalising alternative to the usual dating dreck. It’s hard to argue with the logic: if the other choice is another evening of swiping, why not opt for political purity instead? After all, what’s more empowering than a bit of self-imposed chastity?

And let’s be honest: “No sex until the patriarchy falls” is a rather convenient policy for those who’d prefer a quiet night in with a glass of wine and the latest true-crime documentary. The movement allows women to set lofty political goals—ending misogyny, curbing conservative overreach, achieving total equality—while simultaneously dodging yet another date with some bloke who says, “I’m just not into labels.”

One can’t help but wonder how many women are thinking, “Fighting the patriarchy can wait, but avoiding another disastrous first date? That’s priceless.” With 4B, women can declare themselves unavailable for the cause, secure in the knowledge that it’s a political protest—not simply another way to avoid that awkward moment when your date says, “I’m emotionally unavailable but definitely down to hang out.”

If You Don’t Respect Us, We’re Closed for Business

Of course, it wouldn’t be a true American protest without invoking Donald Trump. Many 4B supporters have promised to stay celibate until Trump is dead or at least out of politics. No sex until Trump is gone? Now that’s a deadline! One that seems to translate to, “We’d rather go the rest of our lives without a smooch than entertain a bloke who thinks the Supreme Court should be able to control our bodies.” Who knew celibacy could be so—patriotic?

But for all the 4B movement’s moral fire and fury, you can almost hear men chuckling in the background, thinking, “Not a problem.” Abstinence? Well, they’ll just scroll Twitter a bit more and wait it out. And some of the men cheering this on are doing so with a certain smugness, as if America’s women are finally seeing the light. “If you can abstain because of Trump, why not abstain to save a baby?” quips one conservative commenter, gleefully handing 4B women a new layer of moral burden.

Meanwhile, young men are sitting on the sidelines, nodding along with the 4B message but wondering whether they’ve accidentally stepped into an episode of The Handmaid’s Tale—just one they’d somehow never realised was written by leftists.

A Drought Like No Other: America’s Romantic Dry Spell

The great irony here is that while the right-wing establishment cheers on this new celibacy crusade, the real losers are the young men left trying to navigate the political minefield. “Young men expect sex, but they also want us to not be able to have access to abortion. They can’t have both,” declares Michaela Thomas, a 4B advocate from Georgia. She’s right, of course—young men are in for a rude awakening. They’ll either need to start brushing up on their “active listening” skills or make peace with the fact that their love lives will consist solely of doom-scrolling and instant noodles.

But this Great American Dry Spell has another secret advantage: it’s a handy way of weeding out those who’d rather spend an evening texting “U up?” than engaging in actual human interaction. For women who’d rather face a desert than suffer one more round of mansplaining, 4B is the answer to their prayers. Because why waste time on another date with a man who thinks “Roe v. Wade” is a joke about water safety?

And so, as the nation sits on the precipice of an unprecedented romantic drought, one has to wonder—will America’s men finally wise up and support women’s rights? Or will they simply hunker down, relieved at the quiet, and wait for this ‘Great Celibacy Protest’ to blow over? Either way, it’s clear: for America’s liberal women, the message is clear and deliciously ironic—no sex, please, we’re feminists. And if that’s just one more excuse not to have nooky, well, all the better.